My journal is no longer friends only. If you'd like to add me to your friends list, go ahead. I'll look at your journal and then decide whether I want to add you back. If I don't add you back, you are more than welcome to read my LiveJournal. I would still appreciate a comment if you choose to add me to your friends list.

There is a paucity of candy in my apartment.

EHHHHHHHHHHHHH. EH. eh. Halp.

1 mile: 5:54

2 Miles: 12:41

1 mile: 5:59

Is anyone else annoyed by more than half of the entries from writer's block? I'm looking through writer's block today. The question is: "Has a stranger ever bought you a drink at a bar? And have you ever bought a drink for someone you didn't know?"

Now, you'd think that the idea of writer's block is to get you to write a significant entry. Apparently not. Look at these gems:

http://asyrol.livejournal.com/110217.html

Thanks. Really took the time to elaborate, didn't you?

http://thornsilver.livejournal.com/1471697.html

If you don't drink, nor do you go to bars, AND you recognize that the point is moot, then why answer?

I don't know, guys. Maybe the writer's block questions shouldn't just be yes or no questions. My vitriol may not be completely warranted, but you have to admit that when you're on the other side of writer's block, or when you have reader's block, you want a little bit more than these particular posters, who are not unique in their brevity, give you.

For my own purposes:

1 Mile: 6:14
2 Miles: 12:55
3 Miles: 20:23

Whee! Let's keep improving!

Having finally left my parents' house, I've entered a phase in which I love to cook things. R (boyfriend) and I generally cook two to three times a week. Usually it's something very simple. This time, however, I decided to venture into the mysterious world of bread making. My first bread is a simple whole wheat bread. I used a breadmaker. Does this count as cheating? I mean, granted, I didn't knead the dough myself, but I still had to mix everything and it was definitely a pain.

We've also made a couple of soups. Last time, we made a corn chowder, and this time, we made a veggie-sausage-noodle soup. the most recent is sort of a minestrone, I suppose, but doesn't contain soggy pasta (only firm!) nor does it have carrots in it, which I don't enjoy cooked.

Anyway, I'm looking for suggestions as far as what loaf of bread to make next. Perhaps I will begin posting pictures of my final products. Let me know if that doesn't interest you at all. I might make a filter.

As I've grown and seen that people do, in fact, not remain faithful despite being in monogamous relationships, I've developed my own protocol for dealing with cheating - I've done all of this without having any issues in this realm as far as I know, and I want to know if anyone else does anything similar.

I don't worry too much about cheating until I start having sex with someone. I think it's because of the physical intimacy, STDs, or a combination of the two, but that's the point where I feel it necessary to talk to my partner and lay down a plan - a pre-cheating agreement, as it were. I usually lay down the following:

If you find someone else that you love more than me, that's all right. That happens. What's not all right is lying to me. Honestly, if you need to see someone else, I understand that, but you need to tell me as soon as possible so that I can stop wasting my time.

Even more important is this: If you have sex with someone else, you need to tell me before the next time we have sex. If you've had sex with someone else, we can't have sex for at least a month; I'm sure you know why. It doesn't even mean that our relationship is over. It just means that you've chosen to sacrifice that part of it for a while.

Now, it obviously doesn't come out as articulately as this, but in my current relationship, I've made a point to lay that out explicitly. Does anybody else do something like this in a relationship? Or do you just have a knife in the nightstand for stabby emergencies?

As much as I hate ordered lists, I feel it necessary to write one, as organizing my thesis has drained my ability to write clearly without clear structure beforehand.

1. I am ashamed to admit that I only learned to take screenshots about a week ago. I feel as if everyone else already knew how to do this, and if you need to shame me by posting a screenshot of Hitler or something, I understand. I deserve it. 50 Terry Schiavos would also be acceptable.

2. I am overworked.

3. I continue to hold the position of boyfriend in a prestigious firm [buttock].

4. I leave for North Carolina on May 22nd, the day I take my MCAT. I reckon that by that point, I will need a vacation more than I need food.

5. There are several games I am addicted to.

a. For some reason, Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook currently holds my attention quite well and for hours at a time. This will stop once I'm able to consistently beat gilana's high score.

b. Monopoly. Recently, I've been playing a lot of Monopoly. I played strip Monopoly on Cape Cod, and I've been playing Monopoly incessantly on my cell phone. If anyone else on my friends list enjoys monopoly, he should step forward now before I purchase New York Avenue.

c. Tiddly Winks.

d. Lolo (ancient NES game series revived for the Wii Virtual Console)

e. Shining Force 2 (Ancient Sega Genesis game; same story).

f. Donkey Kong 64 (N64 game; owned by Rare, so not on the Wii console.)

g. Banjo Kazooie/Tooie (Ditto {oh, this is just like Ghost})

6. I love the new Newlywed Game, but only because they STILL say "Make Whoopee." Has anyone else watched?

7. Adam Lambert is a fucking tool (non-American Idol watchers, don't fret. There's a good reason you don't know who is this.)

8. I've been volunteering at Brigham and Women's Hospital in the Multiple Sclerosis infusion center, and I'll be working there this summer on Multiple Sclerosis models in mice BUT OMG THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANYONE ON MY FRENS LIST WIF MS CUZ THAS NOT NERMAL.

I've been reading. Don't go removing me from your friends list or anything. I'll be posting more often over the summer. By the way, I'm moving to Chinatown, right near the Waterfront, so if anyone else here lives in Boston (Why do I write stupid things?), I will be easily accessible. A CharlieCard wouldn't hurt, though.

My thesis is due tomorrow; Jake out.

Porn is

A dolphin jumping through a hula hoop.
An octogenarian's summer fling
A bathtub full of five people's poop.
A "doctor" making a dong go "ding!"

Unfortunately, I prefer snugger holes,
And cellulite is incredibly gross.
I don't like to dig; I'm not a mole,
And cold hard hands? They hurt one's os.

Eh.

With all the talk about layoffs and job security, I figured we'd have some fun (and maybe give a few people some ideas). I reckon we oughta have a secure-job-off!

In this game, each person names one secure job at a time. It would be nice if there could be one thread everyone responded to, but I know in my heart that all of you are much too sensible to ever let that happen.

I will start the job off by commenting to this post with a job that is recession proof. I will then explain that job. Keep in mind that humor is appreciated. If you've heard something about a recession-proof job somewhere else, feel free to quote it. I'll post the best ones. GO.

I have a problem with the Sims. I have a feeling that other people might also have this problem with the Sims. It's this idea that your whole life consists of going to work, coming home, having sex, watching television, eating, sleeping and drinking coffee.

Can someone inform me if there's more to the Sims that I'm missing? Do Sims sing at a church with a dysfunctional choir director, teach sixth graders to bubble in D on their ISEE exams if they don't know the answer, or buy a quart of whole milk for a homeless guy because it's a better idea than giving him money?

Do they jokingly make fun of black people (If you're black, pretend I said Jewish. Or gay. Or white.), ( Do something triggery ), or complain about the quality of their oatmeal? Do they ever accidentally drop the peanut butter jar, or ::gasp:: even have problems getting it open?

You know guys, it's the little things. If I'm going to play a simulated life video game for long periods of time, the people have to be real. They have to make fun of each other for having big noses, power paunches, or frizzy hair.

JAKE OUT.

Crazy.

God help you if you ask me how much physics homework I've done today.

God help you if you ask me how needy I've been today.

And finally,

God help you if you ask me how much banana frosting I've eaten today.

Ugh.

I think the only reason Sarah Palin is appearing on SNL is that the McCain-Palin campaign has finally accepted that it can't win. SNL made a complete fool out of her.

Weird. I woke up from a nap, saw that the time was 1:31, and started panicking. Why? Well, of course, all of my classes are in the morning. Why did I panic? Well, I assumed it was already Friday. Turns out it's still Thursday, and I've been to both of my classes for the day already.

Ah well. Thank god it's Thursday, I suppose.

Seize the day!
Strangle it if you have to,
But don't let it get away.

You won't be complete
Until you hold
Its still and cold
Body in your hands,
Run through
with the red, white and blue.

And the next day, too.

RAPE.

This week makes me want to die. It seems as if little things go wrong in droves. On Thursday, I lost my cell phone. Yesterday, I lost my keys. I'm just waiting for my wallet to get lost, and the thought of losing my wallet is incredibly frightening. I hadn't lost any of my big three, keys, wallet or cell phone, for three years before this last week, so it's frustrating that it happened now.

Not to mention that now that I'm dating and trying to find someone, I have the daunting task of rejecting people, which I compare to pulling teeth, having a rectal exam, and watching commercials all at the same time. Restaurants should just have a blind box that a couple has to go into after their date. Within this box should be a yes lever and a no lever on both sides, and both people can pull the lever of their choice. This method of determining whether a second date is warranted would be much more pleasant than the current way, which is to set up the second date and try to figure out some tactful way to say, "It's not me. It's you."

AND. AND. Have you ever considered how difficult it is to set up a date without a telephone? It's terrible! Especially since the guys I date tend to be perpetually late. On one of my dates, I inched closer and closer to a guy just hoping that he was too shy to ask if I was the one. My real date swooped in right behind him, and while I don't think he noticed, I was still pretty embarrassed.

But back to the point, which is that telling people you don't like them is an arduous feat. I'm considering several unorthodox methods:

1. I'll wear a sign to our date that says, "Not interested"

2. I'll coat myself in gravy before the date, thus forcing him to end prematurely

3. I'll bring my dogs to the date and tell him I have to walk them and thus can't enter the restaurant.

AUGH. AUGHAUGHAUGH.

Kill me.

Carpe Diem
Seize the day!

Strangle it if you have to,
But don't let it get away.
Your dream is incomplete
Until you hold
Its still and cold
Body in your hands,
Run through
with the red, white and blue.

And the next day, too.

I'm feeling pissy. I don't know whether it's because I'm tired of flipping flies all the time (I need the year to start. Now.), because I'm painstakingly lonely, or because I have to take care of two yapping puppies while my parents are away. Maybe it's some combination of all three. Who knows? Who cares?

Let's tackle these problems one at a time, shall we?

I'm tired of working in my lab, and that's understandable. I've been doing grunt work for six months, and I would like a project now. One that I will actually be able to write my thesis on. Please. Now. Please. Why are we waiting on this?

I'm also tired of being lonely. I don't mean to imply that I'm lonely only because I don't have a boyfriend. I'm lonely because I don't have a boyfriend and all of my friends from high school are abroad and all of my friends from college moved back to wherever they came from (usually California). Last summer I had Greg, so I was never lonely. This summer I actually have to deal with the fact that no one is here.

The puppies added on to this mess make me feel pretty annoyed. I love the puppies. They're adorable. They're also a lot of work and are incredibly needy. I love cuddling up with a puppy, but it sort of prevents me from relaxing sometimes when a dog is chewing on the leg of my shorts. Also, dog poop? Gross.

What else? Fine. I need a vacation from my parents. They are wonderful. They are truly wonderful. I just can't deal with them all the time, which is basically what I've been doing. I've been hanging out with them a lot. I go to see movies with them, I watch Judge Judy with my mother, I play word games with them, and I have a good time, but my mother asks these questions that make me roll my eyes, but I can't answer them sarcastically because she's my mother and I don't want to make her feel bad.

For example, I come back in soaked in sweat and my mother asks, "Did you just go for a run?" knowing full well that I do my best to run every single day. And for some reason, it annoys me when she asks me how far I run. No joke. "How far dd you run?" That's not actually annoying at all! If someone from outside of my family asked me that, I would answer them without any hesitation: Three and a half miles. When my mother asks, I feel compelled to tell her that I don't know how far I ran.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just a bitch.

It's the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme song arranged in Mario Paint. Yes. You're going to love this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FO9L9QVCpg&feature=related

Suggestions for anything cool and funny you've seen on Youtube lately are encouraged; I'm bored.

Although I haven't recently had any flings, I'm beginning to understand why they're so enticing to some people. Because I broke up with Greg fairly recently, the urge to just go out and get some affection from someone is much stronger than the urge for sex, but I find it pretty hard to just ask someone to cuddle with me. I would wager that many of you out there feel the same way. It would be immeasurably easier to simply ask someone for sex and finagle some caressing out of him that way. Unfortunately, that's not for me. Thus, I'm going to create a new set of ways to procure affection. Granted, it isn't new. It's just a rehashing of all of the things we do to get things in our normal lives anyway.

The most important rule for this set, however, is NO SEX. If you need to ask for sex to get cuddling, you're out. You can't play anymore.

So without further ado:

1. Ask. If you need some cuddle time and you know of someone who would be willing to part with some love, call them up. It's better than sitting around and being lonely, and chances are that unless your snuggle-mate has a lover already, he probably feels the same way, right?

2. Plead. If asking doesn't work, either because he has a significant obstacle (read: lover?) or is reluctant to get off of his ass, you always have the option to get down on your knees (I guess use speakerphone would be the analog of this if you're on the telephone) and make them sorry they said no.

3. Harass. Remember. The more calls, the better. Everybody loves seeing 43 new voice mails on their phone. It just makes them feel wanted. Be sure to add your own special abusive touch to each message. You know what I mean. Bitch.

4. Pay. What's wrong with paying for a little snuggle time? Note: In this case, it might be all right to have sex. Your call.

5. Blackmail. Do you know someone's dirty little secret? Well, hopefully, he doesn't know yours. If you happen to be on the right side of the blackmail choke chain, make it work for you and threaten to drag this stubborn ass' past in front of his mother. Girlfriend. Boss. You know how to work it.

6. Restraint. Ropes are your friends. Use them well.

7. Homicide. Granted, if you choose this route, your snuggle buddy will only be warm and loving for a few minutes while the blood drains out of his corpse, but one advantage to this method is that your special friend has no chance of escape.

Be safe.

I know the Onion is supposed to be satirical, but every once in a while I find myself in one of the groups being lambasted and totally agreeing with their call:

Gay-Pride Parade Sets Mainstream Acceptance Of Gays Back 50 Years

1. First Name: Jake

2. Age: 20

3. Location: Newton, Massachusetts

4. Occupation: Undergraduate. I'm pursuing a joint bachelor's and master's degree at Brandeis University in Molecular and cell biology as well as a bachelor's degree in psychology

5. Partner: Currently, none.

6. Kids: As many of you don't know, I would love to eventually have a child. Among the problems with this are the fact that I have Cystic Fibrosis, which regularly causes infertility, as well as my lack of womb. Both are solvable in some way, one through medical intervention and one through extreme kindness. You guess which is which.

7. Brothers/Sisters: Daniel. 17-years-old. Bossy. Dominating. Annoying. EHHHH. He doesn't do anything but play Diablo II.

8. Pets: Two dogs, Rocky and Blizzard. They are brothers from the same litter of havanese puppies, which are a type of bichon. They're both one and a half years old.

Blizzard is white, leggy, and runs like the wind. He's not that smart, but he's got a winning personality. He's usually the first one to jump up and lick your face if only because Rocky can't reach as quickly. He must always be on a leash: At the sight of another dog he will dart into the street.

As an example of what makes Blizzard not so intelligent, Blizzard is not very good at learning commands. We taught Blizzard to sit, lie down, and roll over. Now, whenever we say any command, he just rolls over. He doesn't get any treats for it, but he certainly gets effort points.

Blizzard also ( Goes To the Bathroom Weirdly )

Likes: Chasing squirrels, tummy rubs, barking at anything that moves.

Dislikes: Strangers, baths, bananas.

Rocky is black with white patches on his butt, mouth, and the front of the legs. He's smarter than Blizzard, but he's also more rebellious. He's slightly bow-legged. Rocky is also a coward. Because of a traumatic fall from a staircase that resulted in a fracture in his front leg, Rocky will not go down any staircase with more than about five steps. With appropriate coaxing, he will climb one, but he will not descend a staircase.

Rocky barks in the cutest way: The doorbell drives him crazy. Ring it, and he'll raise his head to the sky and let off five or six rapid-fire yelps, careen towards the door, and won't move away from it until whoever is outside comes in. I know I should train him not to bark, but I have to admit that I like it when he barks. I LOVE it when he barks, actually.

Because his legs aren't as long as Blizzard, rocky has a bit of trouble jumping on things. Whenever he jumps on to the couch, he gets a backwards start, starts to jump, stops, gets another backwards start, and then after being coaxed, finally jumps and 99% of the time makes it on to the couch. His confidence is not where it should be.

Rocky is also painstakingly neurotic and intensely jealous. If you pet Blizzard, Rocky usually bolts over, nips your ankles and then tries to lick your face if it's close enough. When I ask Blizzard to perform a command, Rocky usually does the correct command while Blizzard continuously rolls over. Rocky also will not stand to be forced to be more than three feet away from you. We often put the dogs on the porch in the morning, and while Blizzard barks at the birds, Rocky barks at the door, hoping to be let back in. Usually, Rocky also demands that we let him out, so we think it a bit odd that he wishes to come back in so frequently.

Likes: Treats, goose poop, attention.

Dislikes: doorbells, staircases, sliding doors

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

a. School: School is hard. I've written a lot about school, so I won't waste hand here.

b. The Dogs: See 8

c. SAT tutoring: I'm currently learning to teach an SAT prep course for the Princeton Review, and I'm having a great time. I've never had any real teaching experience, so it's pretty exciting.

d. The Labs: I work at two labs: A Drosophila lab at Brandeis and a transplant immunology lab at MGH. Both take up a lot of time, but I'm glad to have something to do on the weekdays.

e. Church! I'm the soloist on the first and third Sundays for the months of June, July and August at First Baptist Church in Boston. Come by and hear me sing sometime!

10. Where and For What Do You Go to School?: As I mentioned before, I'm currently studying at Brandeis University completing a joint Bachelor's and Master's degree in Molecular and Cell Biology as well as a Bachelor's in Psychology.

11. Parents: Mom: Laurie. Dad: Jerry.

My parents can only be spoken of together. They spend all of their time together, so it's useless trying to talk about them individually for any significant period of time. I will try, though.

As I said, my parents spend a lot of time together. My mother can get a bit emotional and embarrasses me while my father's sense of humor is just like mine. That embarrasses me as well.

I guess I don't have much to say about my parents, though maybe I'll make an entry devoted entirely to them a little bit later.

12. Who are some of your closest friends?

foxie. She's awesome. She writes [swimmingly well] for the Phoenix.

Greg, my ex-boyfriend. We went out for about a year and a half and are still close friends.

Dylan. He goes to Brandeis with me and we have fun at the expense of our professors.

Andrea. She went to Egypt for a while, but she'll be back. I haven't seen her in around a year.

Beth. In the same boat as Dylan.

Who else do I spend time with? I don't even know.

13. Passions and hobbies: Books, singing, running, exercise in general, science, Shakespeare, science fiction, Fantasy, other stuff.

14. Appearance: 5'11" and fairly average weight. My user icon shows my face, though it's a bit outdated.

15. Summary of the last few years of my life: School. I started a better exercise regimen. I dated Greg. I went to San Francisco.

16. What I pride myself on: Tolerance, humor, singing, honesty, intelligence

17. My flaws: Lack of a good vocal filter, too loud, bossy, occasionally overzealous.

I extended it to about 3 miles.

http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=2002468

Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

link

I've just wasted a good part of my morning watching her videos. Oh, well! Time for breakfast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uApv372UiDQ&feature=related